If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
