she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
