This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
