I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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