Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
