please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
