Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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