My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
