so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
