so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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