I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
