you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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