my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
