my phone needs a breathalizer
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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