also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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