I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
