Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
