i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
