She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he was CRYING into my vagina
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
