you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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