so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
