You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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