I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
