this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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