bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
