Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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