Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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