the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
