Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
