he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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