I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
