Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
