bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
