My Higher Power is John Stamos
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
