i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
