every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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