I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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