how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
