Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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