Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
