u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
