apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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