Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
