If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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