I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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