You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
