I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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