True but thats because hes a fetus.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
