i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
