tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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