At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
